Breakdown Begins!

I am sick. I am very mentally ill and it is not just cause I am haveing a bad night. I have not been well for as long as I can remember. I dont know what brought this on tonight. I was driving in my car then like a Mack truck it just hit me. I started to play chicken with myself like "how close can I ge to this car without hitting the breaks?" Then the red tail lights in front of me just got to blinding cause they were getting to close and it was all I was focused on. I really shouldnt own a vechile even. I did pull over to call for help but my cell phone was dead so I just kept going. I dont trust myself sometimes. " How many times can I roll the car at the speed I am going?". Thats what goes on in my head. That deffinately has to say something . I have taken 4 gravol to sedate me plus my stomach is getting upset from me being so rilled up. My hands are shaken so bad. It is taking every ounce in me to type. I was so proud that I hadnt cut myself in 11 months and that I had taken myself off of my meds for just about a month and a half. Doesnt mean that I am at all well. My mental state is thanks to mommy. It is genetic as well as she added to it. I always said the day she died it would die with her. Why is it worse then. I am really trying and it makes me tired. I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I feel really numb. Things go on around me and I react like I should but then later Im thinking I dont know what just happened. I daze out quit a bit to. Everything is slipping away. My job, family,friends, my sanity and happiness. I am struggleing to get it back and I am being told that I can do it but at this point I thing it is a lost cause , I really do. I dont know where I went wrong? How did I lose it? Did I even really have it to begin with? I want to get this resolved so I can start my life. Cause I really dont think or hope that this was my destiny or else Im screwed and its all goign to be over soon? I dont have any more strength.

Trust

So heres the thing, I want to write and write and write but I cant. I feel like I am being held back from saying what I want to for some reason all of a sudden. Truth is I know why I feel this way. I dont want to take away the trust that a particular reader has in me. If I write what I want I fear that it will. Thats not something I at all want to jepordize. I dont know what to do!

Do you ever just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a few important relationships in my life right now that arent going very well. Its been upsetting me greatly that these people have hurt me and I dont know why. I feel that none of it has been instagated by me at all. Although I am sentive and always blame myself for everything. But something must be wrong with me if everyone hates me right now. But I dont know why or what happened. Deep down I know I am not at fault and I hope it all works out for the best. I am sure and have faith that it will or I just dont know what ill do.

Update- I never know what to name these things!

So time for an update I suppose. Not a whole lot is new. I have been and still am sick. I think I am getting over it. I am going to Edmonton on May 11 for my cousins wedding. I am nervous about that. It will be the first time that I have seen my relatives since last August when mom died. I think I am going to get a lot of " How are you doing are you ok". Esecially from cousins that could not make it to the funeral and I havent seen in years. I feel like even though its my cousins wedding all eyes are going to be on the Binetruys anyway. I feel like if anyone says anything I just may punch them. Those comments are expected right after she dies and thats fine but just about a year later of course Im fine and if you really cared you would have called me over the last months since Aug wouldnt you think. Im not paranoid I just know my family THAT well. Plus I have nothing to wear. Me and my friend Amanda tried to get tickets to see Justin Timberlake in Edmonton on Aug 28. But they were all sold out . I am determined though. I check ticketmaster, Edmonton classifieds,Calgary classifieds and the radio for contests everyday. I would love to see him not just cause he is hot and an amazing performer but because his concert is on the one year anniversary of mom dying. I was taking the day off of work anyway but Justin would of made a bad day a whole lot better. We will see what happens though. Not much else is new though! TTFN!

Free

Today I am happy. Today was a good day. At work I chit chatted with my boss who I usually dont get along with very well. We talked about non work related stuff and it was comfortable. No double escals for me today. I usually get one a day which sucks but cant control. Also today I made this amazing document at work. It has all this complecated html. It is so hard to understand. A peer tried to show it to me but he knew it too well so he was going real fast for me to follow. So today we were slow so I tried it out on my own. I cant remember anything he showed me before so I started from scatch. Amazingly it was working so I kept going and finished it. It looks so good and its the exact way I wanted it. I was so proud of myself cause like I said it was complicated html. Its hard for me to follow that kind of stuff. I even went up to my boss and said hey come check out what I did. Like I said before I dont get along with him well so to run up to him and say hey guess what shows how excited and proud I was. I know its the small things that amuse me. He look at it and I showed him everything on it and he said , get this " good job shantelle". That made me happy. The best thing today that happened is a very broken important relationship got mended finally. I was supposed to go to a party after work. Like a home party where they sell various things. At the last minute it got canceled unfortunitally but I was happy cause that meant I could go to church like I usually do on a Sat night. Worship was amazing. Hasnt been that good in a very long time. They played one of my favorite songs which is everything by lifehouse. That song just always gets to me. Alot of what I wrote about in my blog before I quit writting in Aug of 06 had to do with this person and our situation. He was at church and after we went to cruise in his car like we used to. That was our kind of fun although dont ask me why. So we did. A few years ago we had a big falling out where he really hurt me right before he decided to move to a different city 2 hours away. He was there for 2 1/2-3 years then moved back about a year ago. When he was gone we never talked at all. When he moved back it was hard to go to church or do anything cause he would be there and we had the same circle of friends. So we crossed paths and hung out a few times but still awarkward. I comfronted him tonight about the situation and basically told him this had to be discussed and I want an apoligy before I could spend anymore time with him and so on . We dont need to get the specifics. His reaction was exactly what I wanted but not what I expected if he was the same person he was 3 years ago. But he surprised me. So based on that the friendship I informed him could continue but its like starting from scratch. I didnt want to lose his friendship. He is one of the best friends I have ever had and he is real important to me but I was willing to end it if things were going to be the same as before. So I am just thrilled that everything went well. This has been a great burden for years and I feel like a ton of bricks has been relieved from us both. So good thing the party was canceled. Anyway should go to bed so I can make church in the morning. Good night!!!!!!!!!

To Be!!!!!!!!!

So I have decided to start my blog again anyway even though no one has commented yet. I think deep down I always wanted to start it again. So this is the new background. I like it but I had to re add my links. It took me an hour and a half to figure out the html. The template that blogger had was not actually the proper one so I had to play with it for ever. But its all good now. I will be starting a new link/blog soon called "She". I definatley recomend checking it out. It will be up and going soon. It is going to be a real sad depressing blog but that is how I want it. Should be interesting. But I think I need it as therapy. Today was a really good day. After talking to my boss today for an hour just about stuff and what has been going on I get the feeling things are going to go much better then they have been. I feel the morale of the team already shifting for the better. Amanda came over after she was done work at 9 and we had a cook out in the backyard. My landlord is in Edmonton for a few days my friend John from work told me so I asked him if there was any fire wood left and he said that there was. So I decided it was my turn. We cooked hot dogs,marshmellows, had pop and chips. I was a lot of fun and surpriseingly relaxing. I am going to Edmonton for Easter. I cant wait to see the gang up there. I am surpriseing my bro but his girlfriend knows. I cant wait to see his face. It is just going to be nice to get away from work and town for a few days. I think that is all for now. Talk to yall later!!!!!!

To be ?? Or not to be??....................

Well here I am again after so long. I dont know what compeled me to blog again. However I will only blog again if I know there are readers out there. Anyone I dont care???? So let me know and then the mad blogging can ensue! Peace out!