Its Not Over Till The Fat Lady Sings !!!!!

.... well this heifer didn't sing a note. I have been at The Gate for 4 just about 5 years . Even since the first time I stepped in there all I have wanted to do is be on that stage and sing and praise God. I love to sing and I think I am good at it . It is one of the things that calms me cause if you really know me I can be high strung or always mad, nerves,or stressed about something . I finally got the nerve to ask my pastor to let me sing. Scott was like sure ,no prob, learn the songs , blah blah blah . I thought yes i'm in. Nerves are a big factor. Like hudge you have no idea. I can not even do group things at The Trench . I hate when attention is on me like eye contact while they ask me a question or for my opion. A lot of the time I say I dont know or sure to go along with what they are doing even though I do know or think what they are doing is wrong just to avoid confrontation. When they look at me I get really hot and sweaty. I will start to breath heavy even have a azma attack or get light headed. I have even grabed my stuff and ran out crying, ask Jo. So to say I want to sing is quite the hurdle. Its not cause I am shy, cause if you know me I am the least shyest person you will ever know. Then I get an email from Scott saying oh yeah I want you to audition for me one on one in my office. Well thats worse than being on stage with lots of people around. But I understand and respect why he wants an audition. Well I thought I was ready and we were in his office and he started to play on his guitar and said start anytime. In a weak shaky voice I say " Can I back out actually?!" He was surprised and I was too. I thought I was really ready. I said I am really sorry with tears in my eyes and grabed my stuff as quick as I could and ran out of the office and building. Scott knows I was nerves cause we had that talk so I warned him, he thought that might of happened. I wrote him an email apoligizing, saying I was totally embarassed, also that I appreciate the oppurtunity and time he took and thats why I felt bad for wasting his time. He wrote saying no worries he understands . I can be on the music team still and I will keep on working on it and who knows in the future . I know and have had confirmation that singing is what God wants me to do and I love it more than words can describe. I do not doubt my ability at all to sing I just have a nerve/ anxiety issue that is really holding me back. I still do not know a lot of people at The Gate so I still feel awkward round them and shy , and since I do not know them I can not trust them . I can not trust that they are going to be nice and supportive of me if I do sing with the group which is another reason why I am nerves . I will work on it but no matter how much I work at it Scott will always make me sing for him in his office/ interigation room. If there is no audition I know I would be fine. ARGH, is what I feel about the whole thing I have to have faith. I just need to walk in there one day and say Scott lets do it now without no one knowing that way if I screwup no one is let down. There was some people that knew I was trying out cause I was excited and had to tell someone. There is also somewhere else that maybe it is that I am to sing there instead. They are called Live-Ins. It is a retreat through the Catholic church that I have been a part of for years. It is like the retreats I directed for my youth group but for adults. A litte better atmosphere there. Who knows, I sure as hell dont. Hows that for an update Laura. Hehe . Thanks for listeninhg guys. Luv Yall !